Ever notice how certain news phrases make you tilt your head like a confused dog? States “like Florida.” Cities “like New York.” Corporations “ranging from Coca-Cola to Apple.” What do those actually mean? Spoiler alert: nothing. And I’m over it.

I’ve had it with phrases that pose as precision but deliver fog. Let’s talk about the greatest hits of bad writing in mainstream journalism—the kinds of phrases that fill inches but not minds.

• “States like Florida”
  Like how, exactly? Politically? Meteorologically? In terms of alligator-per-capita? These vague comparisons are thrown out with zero follow-up, as if Florida is a universally understood archetype. (It is not.)

• “Companies ranging from Coca-Cola to Apple” (*from a real news release in Fortune, May 10, 2025, written by Lila MacLellan)
  That’s not a range. That’s two unrelated megabrands that share nothing except alphabetical spacing and global dominance. You might as well say “ranging from Taco Bell to Tesla” and expect us to just nod solemnly.

It’s not that the language is confusing. It’s that it’s meaningless. These are placeholders pretending to be journalism. They exist to sound informative while actively dodging clarity.

So in the spirit of poking fun at this intellectual emptiness, here is a satirical news piece written for your enjoyment:

Economic Anxiety Looms as Americans from All Walks of Life Brace for the Unknown

In states like Florida and cities like New York, concern is growing among Americans from all walks of life about the direction of the economy, with impacts being felt everywhere from mom-and-pop shops to multinational conglomerates ranging from Coca-Cola to Apple.

Experts say this could mark a pivotal turning point—or not.

At the heart of the issue is inflation, which continues to affect things like groceries, gas, and other stuff Americans depend on every day. “I’ve noticed my weekly shopping bill going up,” said Jennifer W., a concerned mother of three, while pushing a cart full of organic almond milk and despair.

Corporate America isn’t immune either. Companies large and small—from those just starting out to well-established giants like Berkshire Hathaway and Taco Bell—are tightening their belts. Some are even trimming the fat. Literally.

“It’s a wake-up call,” said someone vaguely described as an analyst at a firm whose name sounds real enough. “We’re seeing trends shift in ways that could impact the future, moving forward.”

Meanwhile, lawmakers on both sides of the aisle are pointing fingers and making impassioned statements during press conferences that appear to be addressing something. “The American people deserve better,” said one of them.

And so, as we head into an uncertain future, one thing remains clear: only time will tell.

I don’t know about you, but I laughed. And then I cried. Because somewhere, someone is getting paid to write this ----- seriously.